- 18 Mar 2004 06:41
#128517
[Yeddi edit: Please post things in their correct forums, i'm sick of moving things.]
Part Two: The Story of the Great Satans is Has Something to do with the Explosion
The Saint looked around the room, sniffing with his dog-like nose for suspicious smells.
While he is busy doing this, we have the time for a few biographic anecdotes - the pertinence whereof will be manifest soon enough - namely, (1) the incident involving the Dog Wonder, (2) the creation of Wingman, and (3) the Saint's growing obsession with the elephant. I shall speak of these events when the Saint is not speaking. I shall start with number one.
1. The incident involving Dog Wonder. Dog Wonder was the fastest puppy in Price Empire, a happy dog of the Black Lab breed, who had been genetically engineered to be ten times his normal height and strength, and who had participated in many running races and gladiatorial battles. He enjoyed such activities immensely, but he wanted to fight against people who deserved to die - not political prisoners, of whom there were so many in Price Empire. Saint Mecha, at this time, was one such political prisoner, and, like most political prisoners, he had been forced to participate in a gladiatorial battle. His opponent was a black man - Champion Kickboxer and astronomer, Guilt, whose stage name was Astronomer Guilt, with Dog Wonder at his side. They fought the fiercest battle that the Price Empire had ever had occasion to witness. The battle ground was literally covered with a pool of blood, which made walking quite difficult. After having his arm torn off, the Saint lost, but the audience, so impressed by his skill and bravery, decided not only to spare his life, but to make him a free man. Despot Sulkworm, who was also present, protested against this decision; in spite of his protesting, he did not manage to alter their opinion, and to maintain his popularity he affected to agree with it; so the Saint was made free, and Sulworm could not do anything about it. Not long thereafter he befriended Astronomer Guilt and Dog Wonder - for they very well could have killed him - and ended up living with them in their celebrity hotel.
A few months had passed, and the Saint soon sensed the presence of the secret police force who were once again after him. He hid in Dog Wonder's stomach whilst they searched the apartment. But the dog started to chew on a ball, and the ball got stuck in his mouth. The Saint could not escape the dog's stomach.
Oh, it appears the Saint is ready to say something. We can get back to the stories later.
"This, I fear, is the work of a spy - a spy of the Price Empire!" said the Saint, speaking of the forementioned explosion.
"But why, master?" replied Weed.
"They fear the return of the demon race. Let me show you something." The Saint put his hand into one of the pockets of his trousers, and, after feeling around a bit, he removed therefrom a coin, a shiny coin which I should prefer to stick into a man's eye socket so that he could not see with one of his eyes. "It is a coin whereupon there is depicted the typical Great Satan - mouth wide opened, squinted eyes, two horns stuck out of each side of His bald, veiny head. There were hundreds of these fellows. Good friends of mine, each of them."
"What has this to do with the explosion, master?" asked Weed.
The Saint was beginning to get frustrated with the boy, for the answer appeared to him so obvious, though in reality it was not. "It has everything to do with the explosion you ignorant boy!" yelled he; "if you'd let me finish - I was getting to that."
"I am sorry, master."
"Now. First I must say a thing or two about the Great Satans, one of whom is depicted on the coin. The Great Satans, it is true, are responsible for the creation of many lifeforms. They came to earth from the stars with technology (which I need not describe, for it transcends human comprehension - even I, intellectally superior to normal humans, have difficulty comprehending it), wherewith they synthesised the abstract "essences"of preexisting animals, from earth and abroad, creating thereby mankind, whose purpose was to enforce the will of the Great Satans, to dominate all life on earth, and to transmit human chi to the Great Satans - all this without man's knowledge of course. Man was to embody everything the Great Satans conceived as good. They made him aesthetically charming, so that the Great Satans could on occasion use man to gratify themselves. This was a very long period, during which time there was great peace and tranquility. But one horrible day, several thousand years ago, a race of alien - the Shub - ten times more powerful than the Great Satans, invaded earth and raped millions of her human virgins. The Great Satans were infuriated by this moral heresy; they therefore sent their underlings, the demons, to correct it, and threatened that accursed race with extinction. The Shubs responded by turning the creatures of hell into ice, and only seven of the Great Satans survived this. The demons, the Goblins, the dinosaurs, the elves, the fairies, and other races of the netherworld - creatures whose duty it was to protect man - were all destroyed.
"Since you, a stupid boy, are ignorant of the ways in which the demons have protected man, you may think most of this quite trivial. However, the Great Satans need the demons to drain energy from earth's life forms, energy which is used to keep the Great Satans alive and strong. In consequence, the remaining Great Satans are exhausted and weak, and are in hiding. The Shubs are hunting them down, so that they can rape human virgins without the Great Satan's disapproval.
"Now, how is this relevant, you asked? Well, now the leaders of the Price Empire, conscious of the futility of combating with the alien invaders to protect their virgins, have joined forces with them. The aliens have assented to do so upon the assumption that Prime Minister Sulkworm send them a certain amount of human virgins each year (the man has no conscience!), and on the assumption that the Price Empire help hunt down the Great Satans. For years I have been endeavouring to create new demons to protect man from the invaders and their lackeys. Despot Sulkworm no doubt knows very well that I am a friend of the Great Satans, for such information the aliens would certainly have communicated to him. It is therefore no source of astonishment to me that they decided to destroy my laboratory, wherein it is common knowledge I create special races of men and animals with a talent for fighting whose sole point of existence is to defeat the forces of evil within the Price Empire - to assassinate unwanted leaders, to destroy their oppressive police officers, and so on. How they discovered my location I do not know. My little helpers are to be cleansed because of the possibility that one of them was an informant who was involved in my discovery."
Saint Mecha put his thumb in his mouth and blew hard, and upon doing so he transformed into a winged snake, whose genetalia were covered with a leather strap.
"I am going to sniff around elsewhere," said he: "wait here!"
The Saint darted up into the sky, putting holes into all the floors which blocked his path, at a mind-boggling speed; indeed, so fast did he dart, that the human eye would not be able to detect his movement.
Up here above the clouds, with the violent North Pole wind blowing against his nostrils, a pleasant sensation, he could detect a great diversity of odours, no matter how faint. Everthing so far smelled normally to him.
"Ah! do I smell the stench of a dirty traitorous toad?" - at the speed of light, he darted eastward, in the direction of the source of the scent - "I do indeed!"
The Saint beheld a toadworker who smelt heavily of Elixer, a prime ingredient of the bomb which set off the explosion (this the Saint's nose had previously determined).
Part Three: The Traitor is a Dirty One Who Gets Punished Severely.
Part Two: The Story of the Great Satans is Has Something to do with the Explosion
The Saint looked around the room, sniffing with his dog-like nose for suspicious smells.
While he is busy doing this, we have the time for a few biographic anecdotes - the pertinence whereof will be manifest soon enough - namely, (1) the incident involving the Dog Wonder, (2) the creation of Wingman, and (3) the Saint's growing obsession with the elephant. I shall speak of these events when the Saint is not speaking. I shall start with number one.
1. The incident involving Dog Wonder. Dog Wonder was the fastest puppy in Price Empire, a happy dog of the Black Lab breed, who had been genetically engineered to be ten times his normal height and strength, and who had participated in many running races and gladiatorial battles. He enjoyed such activities immensely, but he wanted to fight against people who deserved to die - not political prisoners, of whom there were so many in Price Empire. Saint Mecha, at this time, was one such political prisoner, and, like most political prisoners, he had been forced to participate in a gladiatorial battle. His opponent was a black man - Champion Kickboxer and astronomer, Guilt, whose stage name was Astronomer Guilt, with Dog Wonder at his side. They fought the fiercest battle that the Price Empire had ever had occasion to witness. The battle ground was literally covered with a pool of blood, which made walking quite difficult. After having his arm torn off, the Saint lost, but the audience, so impressed by his skill and bravery, decided not only to spare his life, but to make him a free man. Despot Sulkworm, who was also present, protested against this decision; in spite of his protesting, he did not manage to alter their opinion, and to maintain his popularity he affected to agree with it; so the Saint was made free, and Sulworm could not do anything about it. Not long thereafter he befriended Astronomer Guilt and Dog Wonder - for they very well could have killed him - and ended up living with them in their celebrity hotel.
A few months had passed, and the Saint soon sensed the presence of the secret police force who were once again after him. He hid in Dog Wonder's stomach whilst they searched the apartment. But the dog started to chew on a ball, and the ball got stuck in his mouth. The Saint could not escape the dog's stomach.
Oh, it appears the Saint is ready to say something. We can get back to the stories later.
"This, I fear, is the work of a spy - a spy of the Price Empire!" said the Saint, speaking of the forementioned explosion.
"But why, master?" replied Weed.
"They fear the return of the demon race. Let me show you something." The Saint put his hand into one of the pockets of his trousers, and, after feeling around a bit, he removed therefrom a coin, a shiny coin which I should prefer to stick into a man's eye socket so that he could not see with one of his eyes. "It is a coin whereupon there is depicted the typical Great Satan - mouth wide opened, squinted eyes, two horns stuck out of each side of His bald, veiny head. There were hundreds of these fellows. Good friends of mine, each of them."
"What has this to do with the explosion, master?" asked Weed.
The Saint was beginning to get frustrated with the boy, for the answer appeared to him so obvious, though in reality it was not. "It has everything to do with the explosion you ignorant boy!" yelled he; "if you'd let me finish - I was getting to that."
"I am sorry, master."
"Now. First I must say a thing or two about the Great Satans, one of whom is depicted on the coin. The Great Satans, it is true, are responsible for the creation of many lifeforms. They came to earth from the stars with technology (which I need not describe, for it transcends human comprehension - even I, intellectally superior to normal humans, have difficulty comprehending it), wherewith they synthesised the abstract "essences"of preexisting animals, from earth and abroad, creating thereby mankind, whose purpose was to enforce the will of the Great Satans, to dominate all life on earth, and to transmit human chi to the Great Satans - all this without man's knowledge of course. Man was to embody everything the Great Satans conceived as good. They made him aesthetically charming, so that the Great Satans could on occasion use man to gratify themselves. This was a very long period, during which time there was great peace and tranquility. But one horrible day, several thousand years ago, a race of alien - the Shub - ten times more powerful than the Great Satans, invaded earth and raped millions of her human virgins. The Great Satans were infuriated by this moral heresy; they therefore sent their underlings, the demons, to correct it, and threatened that accursed race with extinction. The Shubs responded by turning the creatures of hell into ice, and only seven of the Great Satans survived this. The demons, the Goblins, the dinosaurs, the elves, the fairies, and other races of the netherworld - creatures whose duty it was to protect man - were all destroyed.
"Since you, a stupid boy, are ignorant of the ways in which the demons have protected man, you may think most of this quite trivial. However, the Great Satans need the demons to drain energy from earth's life forms, energy which is used to keep the Great Satans alive and strong. In consequence, the remaining Great Satans are exhausted and weak, and are in hiding. The Shubs are hunting them down, so that they can rape human virgins without the Great Satan's disapproval.
"Now, how is this relevant, you asked? Well, now the leaders of the Price Empire, conscious of the futility of combating with the alien invaders to protect their virgins, have joined forces with them. The aliens have assented to do so upon the assumption that Prime Minister Sulkworm send them a certain amount of human virgins each year (the man has no conscience!), and on the assumption that the Price Empire help hunt down the Great Satans. For years I have been endeavouring to create new demons to protect man from the invaders and their lackeys. Despot Sulkworm no doubt knows very well that I am a friend of the Great Satans, for such information the aliens would certainly have communicated to him. It is therefore no source of astonishment to me that they decided to destroy my laboratory, wherein it is common knowledge I create special races of men and animals with a talent for fighting whose sole point of existence is to defeat the forces of evil within the Price Empire - to assassinate unwanted leaders, to destroy their oppressive police officers, and so on. How they discovered my location I do not know. My little helpers are to be cleansed because of the possibility that one of them was an informant who was involved in my discovery."
Saint Mecha put his thumb in his mouth and blew hard, and upon doing so he transformed into a winged snake, whose genetalia were covered with a leather strap.
"I am going to sniff around elsewhere," said he: "wait here!"
The Saint darted up into the sky, putting holes into all the floors which blocked his path, at a mind-boggling speed; indeed, so fast did he dart, that the human eye would not be able to detect his movement.
Up here above the clouds, with the violent North Pole wind blowing against his nostrils, a pleasant sensation, he could detect a great diversity of odours, no matter how faint. Everthing so far smelled normally to him.
"Ah! do I smell the stench of a dirty traitorous toad?" - at the speed of light, he darted eastward, in the direction of the source of the scent - "I do indeed!"
The Saint beheld a toadworker who smelt heavily of Elixer, a prime ingredient of the bomb which set off the explosion (this the Saint's nose had previously determined).
Part Three: The Traitor is a Dirty One Who Gets Punished Severely.
- By wat0n
- By Negotiator
- By litwin