My connection to prose and poetry hasn't been as such in a long time. I've become so jaded by real life events that it's all just another trivial read to me, it's all just another beautiful work without any emotional connection. The pain, I don't remember that feeling anymore. I don't remember what I felt when I sat in my room and cried, when I would lie on my back and stare at my eyelids, when I would pace around and finally sit, with the comfort of a book in my hand and some esoteric artist or band in the background. Writing and reading has ceased being an emotion for me and has become a skill to be practiced, a job to be worked, and a means to be exploited.
I remember when I would write and dream of fame, and now I write and dream of mediocrity, of flimsy prestige, of a steady paycheck. It's disheartening, but I am no longer an unstable, despairing person with little at my disposal but the ideas ringing in my head, looping over and over again.
Have you ever read "La Peste" by Albert Camus? You sound like an existentialist. Strange but emotional connection is a beautiful thing. To me it is the anchor of life. I have a lot of friends who tell me they feel disconnected. You should not. Think about it. In fact, creative people are the ones I have met in my life that have the most sheer enthusiasm for their work. They never lose that creativity and endless new ideas and drive for a new combination of art. It is fresh and new all the time. My father never lost his love for the creative arts. He wrote short stories, plays and novels, and funny stories. He painted paintings. My sister loves poetry. She won first prize in poetry in college in both Spanish and English.
My mother never lost her love of music and drawing and doing her little projects. And she was a very creative cook too. I never really remember being bored at all at home Cheesecake Marmalade. My childhood passed in a series of passionate debates at home, painting, dancing, writing, reading, jokes, laughter, and activities...and such natural warmth and closeness Cheesecake Marmalade. My father would tell me so many stories about his life and his thoughts and feelings. And such natural affection and warmth.....I thought everyone felt like that in their families. That all daughters knew their fathers with that kind of absolute completeness....so much that even after they die.....they are in your head.....as much a part of you as your lungs and your heart and your involuntary functions.
But, I understand what you are saying. We all have felt that cruel loss of connection at some point in our lives. That is why good poetry and art should be able to bring it back. Don't you think so?
Cheesecake Marmalade don't write for fame or for a paycheck. Write for the love of making something new and unique and original out of YOU and what is inside of you that needs a vessel for expression. Life is short. We all die. Might as well spend your time making it true to your dreams and aspirations for yourself. Know thyself Cheesecake Marmalade.
I love to write. I just fear that if I truly give it all I got....I just might lose a little bit more of my deepest heart than I am willing to lose. I hope you understand me?