[Ixa]

Weed isn't a drug, it's a way of life for millions.

Yes, it is a drug, and I am opposed to it.

But this is irrelevant.

[Antihero]

Weed isn't a drug, it's a way of life for millions.

irrelevant.

Stop using that fucking word so many fucking times smart ass.
It just got to me. Geez... I hate that word now. FUCK I HATE WORD irrelevant.

[Vivisekt]

Eh, in all honesty, i don't like it.

Poorly written, boring subject matter, really bad dialogue, and so on.

[Al Khabir]

I think you need to kill the cliche more than anything. And modernise the language. Your target audience is clearly children- dumb it down. Also, If this is part of a larger novel you are writing, unveiling the demon should be a climax that is built up to.

[Ixa]

Eh, in all honesty, i don't like it.

Poorly written, boring subject matter, really bad dialogue, and so on.

You DO realise it is written for little kids, right?

[Ixa]

I think you need to kill the cliche more than anything.

What do you mean?

Also, If this is part of a larger novel you are writing, unveiling the demon should be a climax that is built up to.

Just short stories.

[Al Khabir]

What do you mean?

This sort of thing:

These form "Team Demon", which is a special force the purpose of which is to fight off evil.
He also created Wingman, Pantheraman, and Antman.
Price Empire (could be just because I know you, but please DON'T call it that)
Power Force Ultra
Best Soldier Harry
Bourgeois Spider (Not a good name for any character in a childrens book. Subtlety would be an asset here)

As well as that, as I said as this is a childrens book the content, plot, etc needs to be complicated enough that the reader doesn't feel patronised while the language needs to be accessible to younger readers.

[Gustav Fluffy]

He lives in the North Pole.

So he's Santa, then?

You DO realise it is written for little kids, right?

I know someone who'll like that.

Ix, I suggest you redraft it. The subject matter is too wide, and with characters like Plato, the children are going to be lost. The dialogue also needs to be made shorter, so that each character only speaks a line or two. Also, Al Khabir's right. You need to kill the cliché.

Oh, and get rid of the paedophilic remarks while you're there.

[Ixa]

Thanks, but - I'm still somewhat confused.

Price Empire (could be just because I know you, but please DON'T call it that)

Why not?

Bourgeois Spider (Not a good name for any character in a childrens book. Subtlety would be an asset here)

I rather like the name, but I shall consider changing it.

As well as that, as I said as this is a childrens book the content, plot, etc needs to be complicated enough that the reader doesn't feel patronised while the language needs to be accessible to younger readers.

Good idea. I knew it a flaw - too much simplicity was its
flaw. But I wanted it to be very simple. If it is insultingly simple, though, it
must be changed. I can easily change this without changing part one of my
story.

The language seems okay to me, though.

[Ixa]

So he's Santa, then?

He, too, is a saint.

I know someone who'll like that.

Who?

Ix, I suggest you redraft it. The subject matter is too wide, and with characters like Plato, the children are going to be lost. The dialogue also needs to be made shorter, so that each character only speaks a line or two.

Okay, I shall make it less dialogue-driven and put more violence into it.
Children love gore and blood.

Oh, and get rid of the paedophilic remarks while you're there.

Such as?

[Truth-a-naut]

The characters all talk and act the same.

Needs more variety.

[Yeddi]

You DO realise it is written for little kids, right?

It's written for little kids but you have damn hard words like Bourgeosie, that's just hard for anyone not familier with it.

To be honest, i havn't read it. You started going on about elephants

[Antihero]

The characters all talk and act the same.

Needs more variety.

Goldstein is back!

[Gustav Fluffy]

Quote:

I know someone who'll like that.


Who?

I wouldn't like to say - I might hurt his feelings.

Children love gore and blood.

True. My lust for it was never sated.

[Ixa]

You DO realise it is written for little kids, right?

It's written for little kids but you have damn hard words like Bourgeosie, that's just hard for anyone not familier with it.

To be honest, i havn't read it. You started going on about elephants

They can hear very low-pitched sounds.

[Yeddi]

They can hear very low-pitched sounds.

OMGZ!1

I think Jesse should write a childrens story too, "Freddy the Fascist" or something like that. If i remember correctly he's a pretty awesome writer.

[Ixa]

They can hear very low-pitched sounds.

OMGZ!1

?

I think Jesse should write a childrens story too, "Freddy the Fascist" or something like that.

Nah.

[Political Interest]

This work is wonderful, your characters will make for a very interesting storyline because you put in Plato and even make the villian a descendance from Adolf Hitler. I suggest you publish this, however please listen to the suggestions given here at PoFo to make it even more successful, overall if I were still a child I would buy the series.

[Gustav Fluffy]

Is it just me, or can I really hear a sucking sound in the distance.

I know someone who'll like that.

My hypothesis was proved correct.

[Jesse]

I think Jesse should write a childrens story too, "Freddy the Fascist" or something like that. If i remember correctly he's a pretty awesome writer.

I'm humbled - and I have been entertaining writing "A Day in the Life" of a young citizen of the future - how I envision it, at least. Time will tell, eh? I also understand that TROI is writing a story set in a world aligned with Civitas - although, it might be a parody.