I'm not the biggest fan of the Onion but I liked these two:
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Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human FollyNOVEMBER 3, 2009 | ISSUE 45•45
Lawmakers celebrate the passage of funds that will be used to honor the renunciation of fiscal restraint.
WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.
"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."
"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute."
According to the bipartisan plan, the proposed monument will be built precariously over a Washington freeway overpass, and will require as many as 30 years of grueling labor to complete. As a representation of humanity's failure to learn from past mistakes, the project is being designed by the architecture firm of Ganz & Weiss, best known for their work on a series of dangerously constructed St. Louis public housing projects that were condemned in the late 1990s.
"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," Sen. George Voinovich (R-OH) said of the monument, which he claimed would eventually sink into the federally protected wetlands that surround it. "Not only will it be an aesthetic disaster, but it will also require constant, expensive maintenance just to ensure that the whole foundation doesn't topple suddenly and kill hundreds of innocent people."
The lead architect on the project, Robert Wheeler, told reporters that the monument would be a stirring testament to more than 200,000 years of arrogance, idiocy, and waste. He also confirmed that no fewer than eight different blueprint designs would be clumsily patched together in order to preserve the spirit of indecision and gross incompetence with which mankind has approached the vast majority of its endeavors.
"The face of the building will be covered with recently excavated sections of the Titanic, as well as several faulty pressure valves from the Chernobyl power plant and hundreds of uranium-tipped shell casings from the first Gulf War," said Wheeler, whose design calls for the monument to be surrounded by dozens of oil derricks pumping night and day into bare dirt. "But the most exciting feature of the memorial, in my opinion, is the giant glowing orb at the top that will symbolize humanity's needless overuse of energy and will itself use a staggering 12 gigawatts of power per second."
According to sources, thousands of poorly paid migrant laborers will carry out construction on the monument, digging straight through underground power lines and gas mains in order to clear a space for the soon-to-be dilapidated foundation. In addition, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency confirmed Monday that the construction zone has already been designated as a highly toxic Superfund site, setting the entire project three months behind schedule.
"So far we've spent $40 billion and lost a total of 300 or so construction workers, and we haven't even put in a full day's work," said project manager Tom Matthiessen. "It's been a challenge, but knowing that we're doing this to commemorate the countless lives and resources squandered by human beings throughout history makes it all worthwhile."
Added Matthiessen, "At this rate, I'd say the whole project should be a total, top-to-bottom nightmare by late December."
Although a vast majority of legislators supported the $500 billion bill, a few dissenting voices claimed that the project is an improper use of congressional funds.
"While I am all for paying homage to mankind's tragic legacy of imprudence, surely there are more appropriate ways to do so than this," Sen. Richard Lugar (R-IN) said. "Why can't we simply give the money back to the taxpayers so they can waste it all on bad investments, botched plastic surgery, and misguided real estate deals? Wouldn't that be a more suitable way of recognizing the complete inanity of our pathetic existence?"
At press time, Congress, and all of humanity itself, was trapped in a self-perpetuating loop of failure that is expected to continue until the inevitable extinction of the human species.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/co ... illion_for---
House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current ResidentsOCTOBER 31, 2009 | ISSUE 45•44
It's said that sometimes a skeleton-like dog can be seen lurking around the backyard, looking for food that isn't there.
HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying secret: Every night, when the sun goes down and the moon comes out, this suburban bungalow is haunted by the restless, tormented souls of its current residents, the Davidson family.
"I always get this eerie chill whenever I walk by that house," said Katherine Sturges, who has lived next to the spooky residence for nearly a decade. "Sometimes, if you listen closely, you can hear these terrible screams at night. God-awful screams about money and hell and wanting a divorce."
Added Sturges, "I'm telling you, there's something not quite right about that Davidson place."
According to neighbors, three dead-eyed specters haunt the cursed dwelling: Jonathan Davidson, 58, a once-successful attorney whom many claim died on the inside years ago; his wife, Sheila, 56, a hollow, waiflike figure who reportedly roams the hallways of her home late at night, searching for a time long since past; and their adult son, Peter.
"They say the ghosts of what was once a happy family inhabit that home," neighbor Douglas Smith said. "I've heard doors slamming and cupboards being opened and closed at all hours of the night. I've even heard mournful wails coming from the basement, where poor Peter supposedly sleeps, estranged from the only woman he ever loved. Gives me the heebie-jeebies just talking about it."
Though few actually know what takes place inside 6535 Maple Ave., and fewer still wish to find out, a number of local residents have devised theories based on strange sightings.
In August, neighbors reported seeing the bone-chilling apparition of an intoxicated and half-naked Jon Davidson wandering aimlessly in his backyard. And last week, several residents claimed to have witnessed a stunted man-child playing with his toys in the driveway, though the unsettling vision was gone when they looked again a few minutes later.
"I heard the father who lives in that house went crazy after he lost his job, and feels empty and alone even though he still has his wife and son," said Jessica Deer, a fifth-grader at a local elementary school. "Sometimes he stays up all night reliving and regretting decisions he's made in the past. At least, that's what some of the other kids told me."
"Also, he cries and sobs at TV commercials," Deer continued. "It's really freaky."
Michael Lax, a senior at Hartford High School, told reporters he's also heard a number of the frightening tales.
"I know this is going to sound made-up, but they say that Sheila, the wife, sometimes looks in the mirror, and, like, sees someone else," Lax said. "Well, not exactly someone else, but, like—and this is super creepy—a younger version of herself. And apparently, the woman she sees in the mirror, she's a lot more beautiful than Sheila is, and she's married to someone else, someone who doesn't call her names when he gets angry and whom she still loves and feels close to."
"Man, I wouldn't set foot inside that place for a million bucks," Lax added.
Some residents, however, said the stories about the Davidson family are entirely fabricated.
"Trust me, this junk is just intended to scare little children and titillate housewives who have nothing better to do than gossip," local resident Carol Henderson said while helping her husband and two daughters plant some new azalea bushes in their front yard. "Seriously, now, who ever heard of a family that doesn't eat dinner together every night? That just sounds like a bunch of hogwash if you ask me."
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/ho ... d_souls_of
Dave, Potemkin, Ombrageux: the three pillars of Western civilization. - Donald
- By Tainari88
- By Negotiator