Satire for October 2011 - Politics | PoFo

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No rise in council tax for all those reduced services, promises Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne has revealed how he intends to help families and pensioners by allowing them to pay the same amount of council tax as before for services that no longer exist.

Mr Osborne told BBC Radio 4′s Today programme that he expected families to be overwhelmed with gratitude when they discover that they will be paying exactly the same amount of council tax as last year even though numerous services have been cut.

“The fact that we are enabling councils to not charge extra for services that aren’t there anymore highlights how committed we are to giving families a whole lot less, but at no extra cost,” he said.

People throughout the UK have already begun excitedly trying to decide what they will do with the £72 a year saving that they didn’t even have in the first place.

No council tax rise

“It’s brilliant news,” enthused 37 year old John Watkins from Nuneaton punching the air in celebration.

“No scrimping for us this year, we’re going to have a Christmas to remember.”

“I’ve had sleepless nights wondering how we were going to make ends meet, but having the burden of what equates to just over 20p a day lifted off my shoulders has really put a spring in my step.”

“Gawd bless the Tories! Every last one of ‘em.”

“Yes, of course I’m being bloody sarcastic!” ... s-osborne/

Mild criticism 'worse than murder', says big business

ED Miliband’s tepid, slightly apologetic, attack on corporate behaviour was 'worse than actual murder', according to members of the business community.

The unstirring speech – in which Mr Milliband dared to suggest that gargantuan bonuses for indolent bosses should possibly be phased out – has provoked outrage among CEOs, who are calling Milliband 'as awful as Hitler with hooves' and the act of making the speech itself 'worse than strangling a puppy, or perhaps even a little infant'.

Speaking on behalf of a consortium of big businesses, corporate CEO Denys Finch Hatton was vociferous in his condemnation of Milliband’s lettuce-sharp attack.

He said: “How dare this bomb-throwing Trotskyite firebrand spout such incendiary left-wing rhetoric.
"Tentatively suggesting that corporations should be in some way accountable, or possibly even slightly regulated a bit, is exactly the same as saying that you think the holocaust was a great idea, and that you wish you’d thought of it yourself.

“That Jim-Henson-thing-looking agent provocateur Mr Milliband should have his tongue cut out and eaten by pine martens for even daring to suggest an unregulated business culture might not be the best thing since Nutella, or that reward should possibly be in some way linked to effort.

"Tax-evading and asset stripping are absolutely beneficial to everyone in the world and probably in some way intrinsically linked to the continued survival of the human race."

The public, however, seemed to take a more relaxed view of Milliband’s speech.

Roy Hobbs, a retired metalworker from Crewe, said: “Considering the things Mr Milliband could have called them, for example 'a bunch of rapacious, short-sighted life-negating fuckers who are quite prepared to bring about Armageddon if it means they can add more money to the fucking pile' or 'parasitic shitwitted vampire scum who won’t be happy even when there’s a fucking massive enterprise zone on the fucking moon', he was remarkably restrained." ... 109304368/
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By QatzelOk
^^^ But a black media-made superhero would have done things differently.


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