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The Onion wrote:Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy Worried It Came Down Too Hard On Jeff Yesterday
NEWS • Unsponsored • ISSUE 49•50 • Dec 12, 2013
JEWISH CABAL HEADQUARTERS, JERUSALEM—Saying that they never intended to behave quite so mercilessly, several prominent architects of the global Jewish conspiracy aired their concerns Thursday that they perhaps came down a little too hard on local man Jeff Crawford yesterday.
The Zionist leaders within the international political, banking, and entertainment spheres who together dictate the world’s economy, media, and political structures told reporters that they regretted wielding their enormous influence in order to hinder the unemployed 42-year-old roofer at every turn throughout Wednesday, agreeing that their combined efforts to systematically impede the non-Jewish man’s financial stability, happiness, and general well-being were “a bit much.”
“While it is generally in our best interest to frustrate hardworking Anglo-Saxon Protestants like Jeff at every turn with our extreme wealth and power, I think we definitely went a little overboard on the guy yesterday,” financier Julian Rothschild told reporters from deep within the Semitic cabal’s secret underground headquarters five miles beneath Jerusalem. “Sometimes you just get so caught up in the fervor of working with every Jewish man, woman, and child to prevent the world’s gentiles from ever achieving success that you take things a little too far, and that’s exactly what happened with Jeff yesterday.”
“Everyone feels just awful about it,” Rothschild added.
As characterized by numerous organizers of the massive conspiracy—including Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, banker Paul Warburg III, and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke—Wednesday’s attacks on Crawford were “a bit unfair” to the father of three and lifelong Methodist. Specifically, the conspirators pointed to instances yesterday in which Crawford was fired from a contracting job, had the interest rate on his mortgage raised, and was given false traffic updates by a Jewish-owned radio station, calling these episodes gratuitous and “way over the top, even for us.”
Moreover, members expressed contrition over having ensured that Crawford’s recent loan application with Citibank was rejected yesterday, saying that, other than not being born of the Chosen People, Crawford had done nothing to deserve such harsh persecution.
“We were originally just going to raise the cost of his health care premiums and maybe mess with his credit score a little, but things quickly spiraled out of control,” said noted Elder of Zion Abraham Meyersicht, 102, saying that yesterday’s abuses were all the more excessive in light of the fact that Hollywood’s Jewish overseers had canceled Crawford’s favorite television show earlier this year. “And that thing where we had the police pull him over and give him a huge ticket after we sent a guy to knock out one of his taillights was just adding insult to injury.”
“Jeff is basically a good guy who is just trying to make it in a world being viciously controlled by money-hungry Jews such as myself,” Meyersicht continued. “He didn’t deserve that.”
Given the inordinate trials and tribulations suffered by Crawford over the course of the past 24 hours, several of the global conspirators said that the outright viciousness of their behavior has forced them to reconsider their future plans of adding bogus arrests to the goy’s criminal record, having the city seize his home through eminent domain, and ensuring that his children are denied admission into college.
Indeed, many members of the international Jewish syndicate confirmed that their excessive mistreatment of Crawford has caused them to rethink their overall approach to stymieing the progress of the world’s non-Jews at every opportunity.
“Sure, we control all the wealth and politicians and media outlets and motion picture production studios and courts of law and military arsenals and weather patterns in the world, but that doesn’t mean we need to be so completely cruel in our efforts to ensure that the Jewish people remain atop the social ladder for all eternity,” said Rothschild. “Just mainly cruel should suffice.”
Rothschild added that he and his fellow Jewish collaborators would do their best to make it up to Crawford in the future, but added that they were all going to be pretty busy perpetuating the myth of the Holocaust over the course of the next few months.
NY Post wrote:Maybe he went into sugar shock over a Danish pastry.
The president of the United States, leader of the free world, standard-bearer for everything upright, good and wholesome about the nation he leads, lost his morality, his dignity and his mind, using the solemn occasion of Nelson Mandela’s memorial service Tuesday to act like a hormone-ravaged frat boy on a road trip to a strip bar. In front of 91 world leaders, the mourning nation ofSouth Africa and Obama’s clearly furious wife, Michelle, the president flirted, giggled, whispered like a recalcitrant child and made a damn fool of himself at first sight of Denmark’s voluptuously curvy and married prime minister, Helle Thorning-Schmidt. Not to be outdone by the president’s bad behavior, the Danish hellcat hiked up her skirt to expose long Scandinavian legs covered by nothing more substantial than sheer black stockings. With Michelle glowering, the world judging and mental fidelity floating into the abyss, the president leaned into the air space of the cross-legged Danish cupcake, who is known in Copenhagen as a fan of America’s randy TV show “Sex and the City.’’ It was the memorial equivalent of a bodice-ripper.
Thorning-Schmidt placed her hands dangerously close to Obama’s side. The president’s cackling head moved inches from the Danish tart’s and yards away from his wife’s. Obama then proceeded to absorb body heat from the Dane, which he won’t be feeling at home for a long time. This wasn’t a key party. This was a service that filled an entire Johannesburg soccer stadium for Mandela, the great leader who freed his people out of racial oppression and died last Thursday at age 95. He was a man who Obama compared at the memorial to Abraham Lincoln, Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King. And here was the president, publicly behaving as if he was plotting his next hook-up. It was unseemly.
Michelle frowned and looked as if she wanted to spit acid at the man she married, a good-time guy who humiliated her in front of their friends, the world and a blonde bimbo who hadn’t the sense to cover up and keep it clean. Finally, Obama posed for an iPhone selfie with the Danish hottie and British Prime Minister David Cameron. Only after the damaging photo eruption did Obama get hold of himself and regain a dim memory of his marriage vows. He finally straightened his face and moved away from the gentle gams of the Danish object of his desire. He leaned nearer to Michelle, who clearly wasn’t having any of her husband.
On Wednesday, Thorning-Schmidt saw nothing wrong with the public display of middle-aged lust. One Danish Facebook user called the antics of a president of 52 and a prime minister of 46 “frivolous and disrespectful.” Another said it was “extremely inappropriate and embarrassing.’’ But Thorning-Schmidt attempted to laugh off the whole thing, saying, “It was not inappropriate.’’ Not inappropriate? Pairing a black suit and blue tie is not inappropriate. Giving your wife grounds for divorce might be seen as otherwise. But people won’t soon forget the escapades of the people whose salaries they pay. President Obama has some ’splaining to do. To the woman he married. To his daughters. To the people of South Africa. And to the scandalized folks here at home.
He owes the world an apology.
jessupjonesjnr87 wrote:Ha ha, of course all the European leaders are related in some way or the other, damn blue blood bastards
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