[noemon]

Well, that was a highly successful three-month campaign to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn. There’s nothing like spending all summer on a project that proves worthwhile and repays the effort.

If Angela Eagle and Owen Smith were generals in a medieval army, they would report back to their commander: “We fired incessantly for three months and have brought such damage to our opponent’s army they now have 100,000 more soldiers than when we started, sir. And I’m not sure how, but although we’re fighting in Belgium, we seem to have given them Wales.”

Even more impressive was the way the plotters all agreed, after the result, that “this shows the lessons Jeremy needs to learn, and he has to reach out”.

Next they’ll ask Owen Smith to fight Tyson Fury, and as Owen is dragged away by paramedics, Stephen Kinnock will announce: “This shows the lessons Tyson has to learn. From now on he needs to look more skinny and wear glasses and reach out if he knows what’s good for him”.

This is an exciting development in democracy, that the side who won the least number of votes decides what the lessons are that have to be learned. Maybe this is how the anti-Corbyn section of Labour hopes to govern after a general election. They’ll say to the Tories: “As you won a majority of 190, you have to learn to reach out and fill your cabinet with me and my mates”.

Even so, the plotters made an important point: that Corbyn must reach out to those who already tried to unite the party by calling him a moronic pitiful unelectable pile of steaming goat sick for the last year.

Instead of being divisive, as he was last time by offering them jobs in the shadow Cabinet from which they resigned, he should let them pick their own jobs, and if they don’t fancy doing them one day, let them bring in games.

All the plotters agreed on the need for unity, and many of them displayed that straight away by not turning up to Corbyn’s speech. But Corbyn himself ruined the unity by turning up to it himself, rather than uniting with his colleagues by saying he couldn’t be bothered to say anything so he was popping down the pub.

Some MPs will soon resume their commitment to unity by insisting Corbyn is hopeless, on every TV station, one by one through the news channels, the cartoon channels and the GOD channels. Then on a porn channel, John Mann will knock on a door to say: “Hope you’ll be voting Labour in the council by-election”. But a woman in rubber will reply: “I certainly won’t be voting for you”, so he’ll say: “I suppose that’s because we’ve been very, very bad and chosen an unelectable leader”, then lay down and scream: “We’ve been so irresponsible by saying we’ll renationalise the Royal Mail!” while getting thrashed on the arse with an egg whisk.

Others will prove their loyalty as they did before, by texting helpful snippets of information to journalists from meetings, such as: “OMG! Apparently Corbyn wants to abolish the army and replace it with a salad”.

The other demand from the side celebrating its achievement of getting fewer votes than someone they say is unelectable is there can be no threats of deselection. There should be no half measures with this; if Jess Phillips announces: “I’d rather vote for Donald Trump than Corbyn, that’s why I broke into his house and poisoned his fish”, that’s her right as a loyal party member and any talk of deselection would be divisive.

The next issue Corbyn must address now he’s been humbled by winning the election is the problem of all these new members. For example, an investigation into Liverpool Riverside complains there has been “an explosion in membership” which now “meets several times a month”.

That sounds sinister, because when has there ever been any need to do two things in a month?

And what are they all doing, joining like that? No wonder proper Labour members are suspicious. They should have to pass a test, clambering across an assault course, or swimming through piranhas.

As any business leader will confirm, there’s nothing more damaging to an enterprise than an explosion in people demanding your product. This is why Bill Gates always insists, when a new version of Microsoft Windows comes out, that anyone who asks for one is told they can’t have it as they’re almost certainly a member of the Workers Revolutionary Party.

One MP grumbled: “It’s all right these new people joining, but will they go knocking on doors at the election?” We can’t know the answer to that, which is why the best way to ensure they’re enthusiastic enough to knock on doors is to tell them they’re all infiltrating scum and they can sod off somewhere else with their several meetings a month.

If they still join, they should have to prove their loyalty by not only knocking on doors, but when someone answers, say: “Our leader’s unelectable so I don’t know why I’m bothering”.

But most importantly, not one of the plotters has fallen into the trap of accepting they may have made the odd mistake, and perhaps shouldn’t have all resigned to get rid of their elected leader, or whined too many people have joined their party, or gone to court to ban their own voters, or insisted people supported Corbyn because they’d had their arm twisted by Trotskyists, because it’s obviously Corbyn that needs to learn the lessons from the result.

[Potemkin]

It's funny because it's true.

[Elyzabeth]

Actually not too funny.

The Labour party is now incapable of winning a national election,

but the big ego of Mr Corbyn has been fed,

[Potemkin]

Actually not too funny.

The Labour party is now incapable of winning a national election,

What is the point of winning elections over the Tory Party if your policies are indistinguishable from those of the Tory Party? Why not just, you know, join the Tory Party?

but the big ego of Mr Corbyn has been fed,

Big ego? You mean accepting the fact that he'd been elected by a majority of Labour Party voters was a sign of having a big ego? Was Theresa May displaying a big ego when, instead of refusing to accept that she had been elected by a majority of Tory Party voters, she agreed to be Party leader and PM?

[Elyzabeth]

The election of Theresa May was unfair but it has nothing to do with what we are discussing,

which is that the Labour Party is no longer a viable party that would be able to win general elections.

It is now too far to the left to be acceptable to most mainstream voters.

That is the reality of the present situation, like it or not !

[B0ycey]

I like Corbyn, but he needs to make a choice. Is he willing to alter some of his views to reflect all in the Labour party and maybe win an election or keep his socialist supporters happy and divide the party. But I will say one thing. At the moment Cornyn will not win an election, but four years is a long time in politics. If May herself can't compromise during EU talks and we end up with no deal, people will vote for change regardless who is opposition.

[Rich]

Actually not too funny.

It was very funny to see the Parliamentary Labour Party totally humiliated. You have to make a choice, do you want an internationalist party that attempts, however incompetently, to put the world's poorest first, or do you want a national socialist party. If you want the former then you need to overthrow democracy. Do you think the Russian working class would have ever voted to waste / sorry spend all that money proping up the Soviet unions allies and on its various internationalist militarist adventures. Even today Putin's most noble and praiseworthy intervention in Syria is not desperately popular with Russian workers.

Immigration massively effects the prosperity of British workers, primarily through pushing up housing costs on this small and overcrowded island. Muslims of course have their own extra costs that must be born by the indigenous population for example 40% of the most dangerous (and hence highly expensive) prison population in Britain is Muslim.