One of the depressing things about testing for the novel coronavirus is that if you do too many tests, you will start getting more positive results. In fact, sometimes people who once tested negative will test positive! This is the downside to testing, as the president has so wisely observed. It is time we improved it, regarding both the coronavirus and the many other areas of life in which too-good testing leads to misery and general unease. Here are some suggested improvements, following the president’s logic.
Canary in a coal mine: Why keep wasting canaries just to find out whether hazardous gas is leaking around you? What a depressing thing to discover about your mine! With the E-Z Canary, you need never worry about losing a bird again. This canary is plastic and will never die. It will also not give you information about whether your mine has a dangerous leak, which is good. What you don’t know won’t hurt you, probably!
Speedometer: This only goes to 0. Now, you’re never speeding, no matter how fast you’re going!
Burned-out headlights: Don’t you hate when you see something in the road that you’re about to hit? Now you will never have to worry about that again. What a weight off your mind!
Annual physical results: This is just a piece of paper saying that your body is the best body ever and has no flaws. Is it true, at all? Sure! Truth is what your mind makes it.
Not testing for covid-19: Already the numbers are going down! What a relief!"