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"We herewith sentence Mr. Putin to pay $50bn to Yukos"
The Daily Mash wrote:Dawkins now just telling random strangers why he hates them
RICHARD Dawkins has taken to walking down the street saying horrible, unprovoked things to total strangers.
The former scientist leaves his house in Oxford at 11am and immediately begins hurling brief insults at anyone who comes within 10 feet of him.
According to local residents, a typical 30 second burst will include phrases such as ‘please don’t have children’, ‘you look like a baptist’, ‘everything about your shoes sickens me’ and ‘your face seems to be inside out’.
Neighbour Martin Bishop said: “If he sees a woman in a burka coming towards him he’ll shout, ‘oh fucking hell, here we go’.”
After an hour of ‘strolling abuse’ Dawkins will then go into a local cafe and choose a table next to two people having a conversation.
Victim Jane Thomson revealed: “He listened to us for about a minute and then leaned over, apologised for interrupting and told me I was an ‘evil cretin’ and my friend Sarah was a ‘scandalous waste of evolution’.
“I tried to explain to him that we were just talking about Sarah’s eight year-old son starting judo classes, at which point he got very angry and said it was like talking to a pile of elephant dung.”
Dawkins said last night: “Why do I do it? What an immensely stupid question.
“Go and pick the nits off one of your friends.”
The Daily Mash wrote:
A MASSIVE dome full of the horrible things that twats like is to be built in Dubai.
The quintrillion-dollar air-conditioned monstrosity will contain ghastly hotels, pretentious shops and soulless bars called things like ‘Tyger’.
A government spokesman said: “Twatopolis will consolidate our city’s status as a hub for the biggest twats on the planet.
“Footballers, their dreadful wives, sleazebag billionaires and cackling middle-management hen parties will come in their droves because it is very big, very expensive and the weather is hot.”
Footballer Wayne Hayes said: “Can I buy shoes that cost more than a hospital? Are they very colourful and can I carry them away in big shiny bags? Can I then eat a burger while my wife gets some hot ‘healing mud’ poured on her? And then buy some shit art?
“Basically, is it vile? If so I am in.”
The Ice Bucket Challenge, sometimes called the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, is an activity involving dumping a bucket of ice water on one's head to promote awareness of the disease amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) and encourage donations to research. It went viral throughout social media during mid 2014.[1][2] In the United Kingdom, people also participate in the challenge for the Motor Neurone Disease Association. The challenge dares nominated participants to be filmed having a bucket of ice water poured on their heads and challenging others to do the same. A common stipulation is that nominated people have 24 hours to comply or forfeit by way of a charitable financial donation.[3]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_Bucket_Challenge
Potemkin wrote:It's the American version of satire, TCR.
The Clockwork Rat wrote:How the fuck is that satire? It's just people getting wet.
The Daily Mash wrote:Mafia ‘in awe’ of UK train companies
A GROUP of New York mobsters has visited Britain to get tips on exploitation from train companies.
The gangsters expressed their admiration for the way trains operate in the UK, which they consider to be the most beautiful racket ever devised.
‘Wise guy’ Tommy Logan said: “One day it’s £75 for an off-peak return. The next day – boom – it’s double the price. Nobody asks any questions.
“They got this other shit like ‘super off-peak’ just to make it real confusing.
“Poor schmucks don’t know what ticket to buy so they just get the most expensive one, it’s nice. Real nice.
“Season commuter tickets are the sweetest part of the operation because there’s no other way for people to get to work. Plus they got this ‘family saver’ grift that’s more expensive than the regular fare.
“All this and they don’t even bother to fix the toilets.”
“You know the best thing? If they want more money, they just ask the government. Cook up some bullshit about ‘vital track maintenance’ then blow the loot on women and horses.”
The Daily Mash wrote:Slugs teleport into houses
SLUGS get into kitchens by teleporting, it has emerged.
Scientists solved the mystery of how the gastropods enter apparently secure homes after watching them shimmer and then disappear, like characters ‘beaming down’ in Star Trek.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It appears the slugs have to form a very clear mental image of your kitchen floor before they can teleport. The level of mental concentration required explains why they move so very slowly.
“Once the co-ordinates are fixed in their slug minds they dissipate into atoms, reappearing a fraction of a second later, usually beside a bowl of cat food.
“There’s no point trying to keep them out. Just let them leave their sticky residue everywhere.
“Try not to let them see you looking disgusted – that’s what they want.”
The Daily Mash wrote:Obama discovers ‘nato’ is Welsh for ‘herpes’
WELSH schoolchildren yesterday told President Obama that ‘nato’ means ‘herpes’ in their native language.
Visiting a school in Newport, the US president told the pupils he was attending the Nato summit and was met with a mixture of bewilderment, disgust and infantile sniggering.
Twelve year-old Elwyn Thomas said: “He kept saying it until eventually I was forced to put my hand up and ask if he’d been at it with a prostitute.
“And then I told him my Uncle Rhodri had to get an injection right in his cock.”
Pupil Kerys Williams added: “Coming in here talking about nato like it was something to be proud of. I’m only 10. Dirty bugger.
“And why are they having a conference about it?”
President Obama also learned that ‘ukraine’ means ‘sex-based injury’ and ‘putin’ is Welsh for the gunk that gathers around the base of a kitchen tap.
MH17 was shot down: that is the blunt conclusion of the Dutch Safety Board investigation into the loss of the Malaysia Airlines jet that crashed on 17 July over eastern Ukraine with the loss of all 298 passengers and crew.
The board’s preliminary report says the Boeing 777 jet “broke up in the air probably as the result of structural damage caused by a large number of high-energy objects that penetrated the aircraft from outside”.
There have been many claims that the plane was hit by a surface-to-air missile supplied by Russia to separatist rebels in Ukraine. But the report does not assign blame; in line with aviation convention, the aim of investigations is to improve safety in future, not apportion liability for past events.
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